Table of Contents
Introduction
Step Up Your Game
Men, as the leader of your family, now is the time to make a commitment to be a great husband to your wife. Achieving greatness is difficult. It takes deliberate action, sacrifice, planning and steadfast focus. Greatness is often used to refer to individual athletes or sports teams. I love sports, in fact, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, hockey, golf, and tennis, all garner my attention at some point throughout the seasons. Football, is by far my favorite, and many of the analogies and strategies contained in this Playbook relate to football, yet all team sports are reflected throughout to demonstrate important marital points and keys to winning with your wife.
Sports are one of the most universal male experiences and passions. That’s why I believe this sports theme will help men understand and apply the applicable concepts in this book to their marriage. My goal in compiling this Playbook was to use the wisdom of previous generations along with a current understanding of the dynamics of today’s marital relationships to produce simple plays and strategies that husbands can follow to be great. All of the plays are practical, realistic and doable. Of course, these are not the end all strategies, but if you make a conscious effort to work through them, your marriage will be significantly enhanced.
These strategies were created from four different sources: (i) those that I’ve decided to live by as my wife and I grow old together; (ii) some were discovered only after I failed to run the play correctly, or not at all, and experienced the penalties for not doing so; (iii) others are from the hundreds of married couples that I’ve counseled and witnessed husbands ignoring or fumbling critical plays that were important to their wives; and finally (iv) plays that I picked up from men in my inner circle who continuously help to shape me into being the great husband that God designed.
Throughout this book, you will also find sports language, quotes, and situations to help illustrate the skill sets needed to become a great husband. This Playbook is broken down based on plays for your life from a personal, professional, financial, and spiritual angle. All four of these areas directly affect our roles as husbands. Of course, there may be plays that don’t apply to your specific marital situation, as no book will completely capture everyone’s experiences. However, like any good leader, stick with the plays that work for you, and set aside those that don’t resonate in your marriage.
There are lots of average husbands in the world today, but my hope is to increase the number of great husbands, which we don't have enough of. I believe that one of the primary reasons for the lack of great husbands is the breakdown of the traditional nuclear family. Consequently, many men lacked the role models in their home to give them a first-hand look at what being a man actually looked like, let alone the requirements for being a great husband. Schools, churches and other social institutions are trying to provide this information, but getting men to attend and follow through with implementation is a continuous challenge. Furthermore, the plays that today’s husbands can use to be great in many respects have changed. Those changes transcend race, religion, and socioeconomic status. At the same time, there are plays that all great husbands have followed for decades that still work today.
Every championship sports team has a great leader. Whether it be the head coach, the quarterback in football, or the team captain in other sports, great leaders steer their teams to victory, and make everyone on the team better. In order to be a great husband, you must take on the characteristics of great leaders to lead the most important team in your life, Team Family- your wife and children. Leadership is never easy, and you often face the highs and lows of doing good and failing miserably. However, your strategy in bouncing back after defeat is the key to continuous success. As a husband, be prepared to lead in any capacity that is necessary to move your family forward. If you try to master this entire Playbook in a few days, you will probably become discouraged, frustrated, and quit. This is a lifetime commitment towards becoming great.
Keep in mind, that there isn’t a Number One play to greatness. The truth is, your Number One play is probably the one that is most important to your wife at this present moment. Over time, as your marriage grows and her needs change, so will the Number One play for you. Be sure to walk through these plays with your wife to discover which ones can strengthen your marriage. As a pastor, this Playbook also has Biblical references because I believe having a relationship with God is the blueprint for a successful marriage. Pray and listen to His voice for direction.
Finally, I offer this two-minute warning piece of advice: In marriage, your season is never over. Each day you should be in better shape, position, and mindset, than the day before, as you prepare to deal with life’s challenges. You were drafted as a rookie husband with the hope of living up to your potential to lead Team Family to continuous victory. May this Playbook challenge, motivate, encourage and inspire you to stay above 500 as you take on the greatest role you'll ever have on this Earth—being a husband.
Men, as the leader of your family, now is the time to make a commitment to be a great husband to your wife. Achieving greatness is difficult. It takes deliberate action, sacrifice, planning and steadfast focus. Greatness is often used to refer to individual athletes or sports teams. I love sports, in fact, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, hockey, golf, and tennis, all garner my attention at some point throughout the seasons. Football, is by far my favorite, and many of the analogies and strategies contained in this Playbook relate to football, yet all team sports are reflected throughout to demonstrate important marital points and keys to winning with your wife.
Sports are one of the most universal male experiences and passions. That’s why I believe this sports theme will help men understand and apply the applicable concepts in this book to their marriage. My goal in compiling this Playbook was to use the wisdom of previous generations along with a current understanding of the dynamics of today’s marital relationships to produce simple plays and strategies that husbands can follow to be great. All of the plays are practical, realistic and doable. Of course, these are not the end all strategies, but if you make a conscious effort to work through them, your marriage will be significantly enhanced.
These strategies were created from four different sources: (i) those that I’ve decided to live by as my wife and I grow old together; (ii) some were discovered only after I failed to run the play correctly, or not at all, and experienced the penalties for not doing so; (iii) others are from the hundreds of married couples that I’ve counseled and witnessed husbands ignoring or fumbling critical plays that were important to their wives; and finally (iv) plays that I picked up from men in my inner circle who continuously help to shape me into being the great husband that God designed.
Throughout this book, you will also find sports language, quotes, and situations to help illustrate the skill sets needed to become a great husband. This Playbook is broken down based on plays for your life from a personal, professional, financial, and spiritual angle. All four of these areas directly affect our roles as husbands. Of course, there may be plays that don’t apply to your specific marital situation, as no book will completely capture everyone’s experiences. However, like any good leader, stick with the plays that work for you, and set aside those that don’t resonate in your marriage.
There are lots of average husbands in the world today, but my hope is to increase the number of great husbands, which we don't have enough of. I believe that one of the primary reasons for the lack of great husbands is the breakdown of the traditional nuclear family. Consequently, many men lacked the role models in their home to give them a first-hand look at what being a man actually looked like, let alone the requirements for being a great husband. Schools, churches and other social institutions are trying to provide this information, but getting men to attend and follow through with implementation is a continuous challenge. Furthermore, the plays that today’s husbands can use to be great in many respects have changed. Those changes transcend race, religion, and socioeconomic status. At the same time, there are plays that all great husbands have followed for decades that still work today.
Every championship sports team has a great leader. Whether it be the head coach, the quarterback in football, or the team captain in other sports, great leaders steer their teams to victory, and make everyone on the team better. In order to be a great husband, you must take on the characteristics of great leaders to lead the most important team in your life, Team Family- your wife and children. Leadership is never easy, and you often face the highs and lows of doing good and failing miserably. However, your strategy in bouncing back after defeat is the key to continuous success. As a husband, be prepared to lead in any capacity that is necessary to move your family forward. If you try to master this entire Playbook in a few days, you will probably become discouraged, frustrated, and quit. This is a lifetime commitment towards becoming great.
Keep in mind, that there isn’t a Number One play to greatness. The truth is, your Number One play is probably the one that is most important to your wife at this present moment. Over time, as your marriage grows and her needs change, so will the Number One play for you. Be sure to walk through these plays with your wife to discover which ones can strengthen your marriage. As a pastor, this Playbook also has Biblical references because I believe having a relationship with God is the blueprint for a successful marriage. Pray and listen to His voice for direction.
Finally, I offer this two-minute warning piece of advice: In marriage, your season is never over. Each day you should be in better shape, position, and mindset, than the day before, as you prepare to deal with life’s challenges. You were drafted as a rookie husband with the hope of living up to your potential to lead Team Family to continuous victory. May this Playbook challenge, motivate, encourage and inspire you to stay above 500 as you take on the greatest role you'll ever have on this Earth—being a husband.
Chapter 2
GREATNESS AND YOU
“I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was.”
- Muhammad Ali
Men in America are obsessed with greatness. They love to identify, categorize, and classify greatness. Don't believe me? Turn on any sports talk radio show and inevitably you'll hear the host debate callers about: Who is the greatest quarterback to ever play in the NFL? Who is the greatest basketball player to ever play in the NBA? Which baseball team is the greatest to ever play in the Major Leagues? Wherever you find a group of men discussing a subject, the issues of defining, identifying, recognizing, and appreciating greatness, are bound to come up. Jim Collins’ book, Good to Great, makes a compelling argument that good is the enemy of great. Collins tells us that very few people seek great lives because settling for the good life is a lot easier. Greatness is a difficult feat to accomplish, but with intentional action, diligence, and a clear strategy, success is bound to occur.
For instance, imagine if I told you that I had the formula to make you a great golfer would you follow it? If you play golf, the answer would be a resounding “Yes!” What if I told you that I had fool-proof strategies to make you a great businessman in thirty days, would you apply those strategies? If you are in business or want to start one, I’m sure the answer would be “Yes!” If I told you I had the plays to make you a great lover in bed, would you listen and apply the advice? This is an easy one, since most men love sex, the answer would definitely be “Yes!” Regardless of which topic I put before you, if you have an interest in it, you will choose being great over good each and every time. Especially, if you’re given the right strategies with the belief that you can achieve it. Therefore, greatness is relative, because if you are interested in a topic, you will pursue it with passion.
Still, let’s not overlook the fact that there are some great players who often settle for being average leaders. Average leadership hinders the great player just like it does husbands from the refinement and stretching needed to become great. Average will lead to complacency, and it won’t produce the best possible expression of ourselves, to our wives, and our marital relationship. Husbands who settle for being average may also create a sense of unfulfillment in themselves and their wives. More often than not, such marriage discord isn’t felt until years later, and the regret of lost opportunities becomes a hard reality to accept. Such regrets and the lingering questions of what I could have or should have achieved, will tug at your hearts for a long time.
Some will say that not everyone becomes great and not everyone can be great in their specific areas of interest. I beg to differ, because if you desire to be great, then that’s the first necessary element for success. A second necessary factor is perspective. You may never become the greatest golfer like Tiger Woods or Rory McElroy, but you can become the greatest golfer that you can personally be. Yet, by maximizing your golf potential, you can achieve personal greatness, even if you never make the PGA Tour.
How does this apply to your role as a husband? If you have the motivation and desire to be a great husband, that goal is well within your reach. Regardless of how you’ve performed thus far, or how deficient you may be in certain areas, I truly believe greatness is within your reach. One factor often missing in how we define greatness is the idea of being a servant. We see this concept of servant leadership throughout the Bible. Jesus said if want to be great you have to be a servant. . If you want to be first, you must be last. The Apostle Paul, told men to love their wife as Christ loved the church. Jesus loved the church, so he demonstrated leadership by training and teaching the disciples to carry His message throughout the world. Then, He demonstrated servanthood by dying on the cross for the church, and willfully put his needs as secondary. As husbands, we are called to fulfill this same kind of servant leadership.
Great husbands are willing to serve their wives and help her fulfill her greatest potential. It is not a sign of weakness, nor does it diminish your masculinity. It takes maturity, responsibility, planning, and thoughtfulness to serve your wife as in the Bible. In serving her, as Christ loved the church, you help her achieve wholeness in every area of her life, and you serve out of your love for her. This isn’t an easy thing to do. In fact, it is probably the toughest role you will ever have. Yet the toughest challenges earn the largest trophies for success.
Being a servant is difficult because it means seeking to fulfill, rather than being fulfilled. It means conquering your pride and ego, selfishness and laziness. However, the rewards for those who achieve greatness as a husband are life-changing. Your wife will love you more, respect you more, satisfy your sexual needs more, and be more eager to help you fulfill your potential. Serving, will in turn, transform your own life into having “more.”
To further illustrate this servant-leadership perspective, there is a definition for a husband that has a British origin which describes a husband as a steward of the household. This may be a bit surprising to most Americans, but if you understand the role and responsibility of a husband the concept of a steward is an accurate description. Husbands are the ones primarily responsible for ensuring that their household is taken care of properly. This encompasses all aspects and relationships of their life. A wife has a significant influence in how the “household” is run, but the first and final level of responsibility rests on the husband’s shoulders.
Furthermore, as a manager or steward, husbands must realize all that encompasses their “household” is on loan to them. Husbands will need to give an account of how they managed their household on this Earth with their wife, children, family, and friends. The accounting will also take place in eternity when the husband leaves this Earth to be reunited with God.
You may not be a husband like someone else is to his wife, but that's not important. Unlike other areas in life that require us to prove and convince others that we're great, the only one you need to hear say, “Sweetheart, you’re a great husband,” is your wife. Every day should be game day, and winning with your wife is all that really counts.
Your Leadership Matters
“...in any group of activity-whether in business, sports, or family-there has to be leadership or it won’t be successful.”
Every athlete must go through a training and development period to refine his athletic skills, but also to maximize his leadership capacity. Often times the head coach is purposely preparing the star athlete to be the leader of the team. In the beginning of humanity, God took Adam on a similar preparation journey before Eve came on the scene. Adam learned to have a relationship with God. He was charged with tending to the Garden which developed his work ethic. He was given the responsibility of naming all the animals to ensure he was an effective communicator.
Adam had to realize that he could not live alone, he needed others to be on his team. It was only at this moment that God then created Eve, because Adam was ready to lead. Adam is leading his wife in The Garden of Eden and they are a couple for a period of time enjoying the fruits of their labor. Like every other marital relationship, difficulty rears its ugly head. Unfortunately, Adam failed the leadership tests that came to Eve by the serpent from eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Although that failure removed Adam and Eve from God’s presence, it did not sever the relationship with God and one another. The failure made life more difficult, but it did not remove Adam from his responsibility to lead, love and cherish Eve. Despite our failures God still wants to have a relationship with us and our wives still want us to be the leader. You don’t know how great of a leader you are when you have only experienced success, but you find the depths of your leadership capacity in the midst of failure.
Chasing Perfection
Before we move onto the other chapters, allow me to dispel the perfection myth. Perfection isn’t real. It’s like fantasy football when you’ve assembled the perfect quarterback to lead your perfect team. By now you’re thinking, Jim wants me to be perfect. That’s not where I’m going. The challenge for us as husbands is to be great, not perfect. Perfection will always elude us, no matter how hard we try to obtain it. Neither you nor your wife are perfect, so neither of you will be able to provide perfection on any relational level. Therefore, always keep in mind that greatness is our goal, not perfection...
“I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was.”
- Muhammad Ali
Men in America are obsessed with greatness. They love to identify, categorize, and classify greatness. Don't believe me? Turn on any sports talk radio show and inevitably you'll hear the host debate callers about: Who is the greatest quarterback to ever play in the NFL? Who is the greatest basketball player to ever play in the NBA? Which baseball team is the greatest to ever play in the Major Leagues? Wherever you find a group of men discussing a subject, the issues of defining, identifying, recognizing, and appreciating greatness, are bound to come up. Jim Collins’ book, Good to Great, makes a compelling argument that good is the enemy of great. Collins tells us that very few people seek great lives because settling for the good life is a lot easier. Greatness is a difficult feat to accomplish, but with intentional action, diligence, and a clear strategy, success is bound to occur.
For instance, imagine if I told you that I had the formula to make you a great golfer would you follow it? If you play golf, the answer would be a resounding “Yes!” What if I told you that I had fool-proof strategies to make you a great businessman in thirty days, would you apply those strategies? If you are in business or want to start one, I’m sure the answer would be “Yes!” If I told you I had the plays to make you a great lover in bed, would you listen and apply the advice? This is an easy one, since most men love sex, the answer would definitely be “Yes!” Regardless of which topic I put before you, if you have an interest in it, you will choose being great over good each and every time. Especially, if you’re given the right strategies with the belief that you can achieve it. Therefore, greatness is relative, because if you are interested in a topic, you will pursue it with passion.
Still, let’s not overlook the fact that there are some great players who often settle for being average leaders. Average leadership hinders the great player just like it does husbands from the refinement and stretching needed to become great. Average will lead to complacency, and it won’t produce the best possible expression of ourselves, to our wives, and our marital relationship. Husbands who settle for being average may also create a sense of unfulfillment in themselves and their wives. More often than not, such marriage discord isn’t felt until years later, and the regret of lost opportunities becomes a hard reality to accept. Such regrets and the lingering questions of what I could have or should have achieved, will tug at your hearts for a long time.
Some will say that not everyone becomes great and not everyone can be great in their specific areas of interest. I beg to differ, because if you desire to be great, then that’s the first necessary element for success. A second necessary factor is perspective. You may never become the greatest golfer like Tiger Woods or Rory McElroy, but you can become the greatest golfer that you can personally be. Yet, by maximizing your golf potential, you can achieve personal greatness, even if you never make the PGA Tour.
How does this apply to your role as a husband? If you have the motivation and desire to be a great husband, that goal is well within your reach. Regardless of how you’ve performed thus far, or how deficient you may be in certain areas, I truly believe greatness is within your reach. One factor often missing in how we define greatness is the idea of being a servant. We see this concept of servant leadership throughout the Bible. Jesus said if want to be great you have to be a servant. . If you want to be first, you must be last. The Apostle Paul, told men to love their wife as Christ loved the church. Jesus loved the church, so he demonstrated leadership by training and teaching the disciples to carry His message throughout the world. Then, He demonstrated servanthood by dying on the cross for the church, and willfully put his needs as secondary. As husbands, we are called to fulfill this same kind of servant leadership.
Great husbands are willing to serve their wives and help her fulfill her greatest potential. It is not a sign of weakness, nor does it diminish your masculinity. It takes maturity, responsibility, planning, and thoughtfulness to serve your wife as in the Bible. In serving her, as Christ loved the church, you help her achieve wholeness in every area of her life, and you serve out of your love for her. This isn’t an easy thing to do. In fact, it is probably the toughest role you will ever have. Yet the toughest challenges earn the largest trophies for success.
Being a servant is difficult because it means seeking to fulfill, rather than being fulfilled. It means conquering your pride and ego, selfishness and laziness. However, the rewards for those who achieve greatness as a husband are life-changing. Your wife will love you more, respect you more, satisfy your sexual needs more, and be more eager to help you fulfill your potential. Serving, will in turn, transform your own life into having “more.”
To further illustrate this servant-leadership perspective, there is a definition for a husband that has a British origin which describes a husband as a steward of the household. This may be a bit surprising to most Americans, but if you understand the role and responsibility of a husband the concept of a steward is an accurate description. Husbands are the ones primarily responsible for ensuring that their household is taken care of properly. This encompasses all aspects and relationships of their life. A wife has a significant influence in how the “household” is run, but the first and final level of responsibility rests on the husband’s shoulders.
Furthermore, as a manager or steward, husbands must realize all that encompasses their “household” is on loan to them. Husbands will need to give an account of how they managed their household on this Earth with their wife, children, family, and friends. The accounting will also take place in eternity when the husband leaves this Earth to be reunited with God.
You may not be a husband like someone else is to his wife, but that's not important. Unlike other areas in life that require us to prove and convince others that we're great, the only one you need to hear say, “Sweetheart, you’re a great husband,” is your wife. Every day should be game day, and winning with your wife is all that really counts.
Your Leadership Matters
“...in any group of activity-whether in business, sports, or family-there has to be leadership or it won’t be successful.”
- John Wooden
Every athlete must go through a training and development period to refine his athletic skills, but also to maximize his leadership capacity. Often times the head coach is purposely preparing the star athlete to be the leader of the team. In the beginning of humanity, God took Adam on a similar preparation journey before Eve came on the scene. Adam learned to have a relationship with God. He was charged with tending to the Garden which developed his work ethic. He was given the responsibility of naming all the animals to ensure he was an effective communicator.
Adam had to realize that he could not live alone, he needed others to be on his team. It was only at this moment that God then created Eve, because Adam was ready to lead. Adam is leading his wife in The Garden of Eden and they are a couple for a period of time enjoying the fruits of their labor. Like every other marital relationship, difficulty rears its ugly head. Unfortunately, Adam failed the leadership tests that came to Eve by the serpent from eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Although that failure removed Adam and Eve from God’s presence, it did not sever the relationship with God and one another. The failure made life more difficult, but it did not remove Adam from his responsibility to lead, love and cherish Eve. Despite our failures God still wants to have a relationship with us and our wives still want us to be the leader. You don’t know how great of a leader you are when you have only experienced success, but you find the depths of your leadership capacity in the midst of failure.
Chasing Perfection
Before we move onto the other chapters, allow me to dispel the perfection myth. Perfection isn’t real. It’s like fantasy football when you’ve assembled the perfect quarterback to lead your perfect team. By now you’re thinking, Jim wants me to be perfect. That’s not where I’m going. The challenge for us as husbands is to be great, not perfect. Perfection will always elude us, no matter how hard we try to obtain it. Neither you nor your wife are perfect, so neither of you will be able to provide perfection on any relational level. Therefore, always keep in mind that greatness is our goal, not perfection...
Chapter 5
Distractions and Difficulties
“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”
Like distractions, difficulties can cause contending teams their entire season if they don’t unite and make a commitment to work harder. A difficulty is something usually related to play on the field. An example of a difficulty is a star player such as the team quarterback, sustaining a season ending injury, or the hiring of new head coach implementing a completely different system than the previous coach. Again, if the team doesn’t handle a distraction or difficulty correctly, it can derail their entire season.
As husbands, we will no doubt be faced with distractions and difficulties in our marriages that will come from both inside and outside our households. Distractions will always be there, however, the goal is to do your best to keep them to a minimum and think before you act or speak. Just like sports teams, if we spend too much time in our marriage focusing on the distractions, it can derail the entire relationship. The focus should be figuring out ways to win with your wife in spite of the distraction. The difficulties in the lives of professional athletes can sabotage their career. As married men, distractions can be the end of their marriage if they don’t respond to them correctly.
It’s not that we can’t overcome the difficulties. The real question is whether we are willing to do what’s necessary to succeed in spite of the difficulty. How you handle these distractions and difficulties will often determine your immediate and long-term success. Like today’s great quarterbacks who wear a “cheat sheet” of plays on their wrist, you’ll also need your own cheat sheet, to remind you of the pitfalls to avoid on your path to becoming great husbands.
Distractions: Your Blind Spots
*Your physical health: This is a distraction both in a positive and negative sense. We can be overly focused on our physical health where we exercise and care for our bodies to the point that it takes first priority in our life; the fitness fanatic. The other side of the health coin is that we may be experiencing sickness, disease, or injury, that we become so focused on it, our emotional, spiritual, and mental state succumbs to depression and self-pity. Both of these extremes will rob us of focusing on the larger goal of being a great husband to our wife.
*Your children: It may seem harsh, but our children can become a distraction. We can show more love and spend more time with the kids than we do our wives. Husbands can talk for hours with their wives about needs of the kids, yet never consider talking with their wives about the state of their marriage or checking in with her to see how she’s doing personally. Granted, I am totally all for being a great father, what I’m not for, is using the children to hide from our first and foremost responsibility of being a great husband.
*Your job: We can obtain so much admiration and applause on our jobs to the point where it becomes central to our identity. We will do whatever it takes to succeed at work, but won’t apply that same effort to succeed in our marriage. Of course, you need to offer your best at work, since they are compensating you and that directly impacts your family, however, make sure you “work” on finding a balance between your job and the needs of your wife.
*Other beautiful women: Women are by far a big distraction for men. There will always be beautiful women in this world. Wherever you go, you will see a woman more beautiful than the last one you gazed upon. Then you start to fantasize what it would like to be married to the one from yesterday or the day before. Should we have chosen that waitress over our wife? Absolutely not! Every minute that is spent wondering about another beautiful woman is one less minute you have to devote to understanding and loving your own wife. Fantasies are not real!
*Your economic status: Several men have told me in marriage counseling that they don’t have to time to focus on their wife or the marriage because their economic situation is in terrible shape. As if to say, “I don’t have any more mental or emotional energy to give to my wife right now, because all of my focus is on making money for the family.” I understand the noble position of wanting to improve your economic condition, yet that cannot be used as your rationalization for putting your husband responsibilities on the shelf for an extended period of time. By the time you get around to improving your economic problem, you’ll have a much bigger problem because your wife will feel disconnected and abandoned. Don’t let your economic state rob you from focusing on winning with your wife first. Enlist the help of friends and family to allow you to spend quality time with your wife and plan inexpensive date nights like when you were dating or schedule weekday lunches with her.
Personality Clashes
I have counseled men who were honestly trying the best they could to love, cherish, protect, and provide for their wife, but for various reasons, she wasn't keeping her end of the marital agreement.
* Negativity: A wife with a negative disposition may have become negative over the course of the marriage or already had a negative disposition before you ever met her. She sees negativity in any situation. This is a woman who is actually negative about her own future, your marriage, your children, and life in general. What makes being married to a wife with a negative disposition so challenging is that her negative words can cut you to the core as a man and strike a blow to your ego. Her negative disposition will drain your enthusiasm and hope for the future. Often times, your initial response will be anger, but that will soon turn into bitterness. The longer you are angry and bitter towards your wife, the more difficult it becomes to love and protect her. Most of us would rather be away from her and by ourselves than spend any time with her .
There are three possible solutions if you find yourself married to a woman with a negative disposition. First, if she wasn’t a negative person when you married her, then chances are something in your marriage has brought on this negativity. This is actually good news because it means that you have a chance to work on restoring and repairing the relationship. Her negativity should eventually decrease and you’ll once again have the woman you initially fell in love with.
However, if she has always had a negative disposition since you’ve known her, then you have to realize that no matter how great of a husband you become, if she doesn’t work on her own personal issues, her negative disposition will never go away. This doesn’t give you the green light to stop being responsible and trying to be a great husband. It means that your attempts to change her begin with praying that God would heal those aspects of her personality that only He can reach. It also means that you don’t have to carry the burden of her negativity any longer. She may choose to remain negative, but you will no longer allow her negative disposition to ruin your mood and emotions...
“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”
- Lewis Grizzard
Like distractions, difficulties can cause contending teams their entire season if they don’t unite and make a commitment to work harder. A difficulty is something usually related to play on the field. An example of a difficulty is a star player such as the team quarterback, sustaining a season ending injury, or the hiring of new head coach implementing a completely different system than the previous coach. Again, if the team doesn’t handle a distraction or difficulty correctly, it can derail their entire season.
As husbands, we will no doubt be faced with distractions and difficulties in our marriages that will come from both inside and outside our households. Distractions will always be there, however, the goal is to do your best to keep them to a minimum and think before you act or speak. Just like sports teams, if we spend too much time in our marriage focusing on the distractions, it can derail the entire relationship. The focus should be figuring out ways to win with your wife in spite of the distraction. The difficulties in the lives of professional athletes can sabotage their career. As married men, distractions can be the end of their marriage if they don’t respond to them correctly.
It’s not that we can’t overcome the difficulties. The real question is whether we are willing to do what’s necessary to succeed in spite of the difficulty. How you handle these distractions and difficulties will often determine your immediate and long-term success. Like today’s great quarterbacks who wear a “cheat sheet” of plays on their wrist, you’ll also need your own cheat sheet, to remind you of the pitfalls to avoid on your path to becoming great husbands.
Distractions: Your Blind Spots
*Your physical health: This is a distraction both in a positive and negative sense. We can be overly focused on our physical health where we exercise and care for our bodies to the point that it takes first priority in our life; the fitness fanatic. The other side of the health coin is that we may be experiencing sickness, disease, or injury, that we become so focused on it, our emotional, spiritual, and mental state succumbs to depression and self-pity. Both of these extremes will rob us of focusing on the larger goal of being a great husband to our wife.
*Your children: It may seem harsh, but our children can become a distraction. We can show more love and spend more time with the kids than we do our wives. Husbands can talk for hours with their wives about needs of the kids, yet never consider talking with their wives about the state of their marriage or checking in with her to see how she’s doing personally. Granted, I am totally all for being a great father, what I’m not for, is using the children to hide from our first and foremost responsibility of being a great husband.
*Your job: We can obtain so much admiration and applause on our jobs to the point where it becomes central to our identity. We will do whatever it takes to succeed at work, but won’t apply that same effort to succeed in our marriage. Of course, you need to offer your best at work, since they are compensating you and that directly impacts your family, however, make sure you “work” on finding a balance between your job and the needs of your wife.
*Other beautiful women: Women are by far a big distraction for men. There will always be beautiful women in this world. Wherever you go, you will see a woman more beautiful than the last one you gazed upon. Then you start to fantasize what it would like to be married to the one from yesterday or the day before. Should we have chosen that waitress over our wife? Absolutely not! Every minute that is spent wondering about another beautiful woman is one less minute you have to devote to understanding and loving your own wife. Fantasies are not real!
*Your economic status: Several men have told me in marriage counseling that they don’t have to time to focus on their wife or the marriage because their economic situation is in terrible shape. As if to say, “I don’t have any more mental or emotional energy to give to my wife right now, because all of my focus is on making money for the family.” I understand the noble position of wanting to improve your economic condition, yet that cannot be used as your rationalization for putting your husband responsibilities on the shelf for an extended period of time. By the time you get around to improving your economic problem, you’ll have a much bigger problem because your wife will feel disconnected and abandoned. Don’t let your economic state rob you from focusing on winning with your wife first. Enlist the help of friends and family to allow you to spend quality time with your wife and plan inexpensive date nights like when you were dating or schedule weekday lunches with her.
Personality Clashes
I have counseled men who were honestly trying the best they could to love, cherish, protect, and provide for their wife, but for various reasons, she wasn't keeping her end of the marital agreement.
* Negativity: A wife with a negative disposition may have become negative over the course of the marriage or already had a negative disposition before you ever met her. She sees negativity in any situation. This is a woman who is actually negative about her own future, your marriage, your children, and life in general. What makes being married to a wife with a negative disposition so challenging is that her negative words can cut you to the core as a man and strike a blow to your ego. Her negative disposition will drain your enthusiasm and hope for the future. Often times, your initial response will be anger, but that will soon turn into bitterness. The longer you are angry and bitter towards your wife, the more difficult it becomes to love and protect her. Most of us would rather be away from her and by ourselves than spend any time with her .
There are three possible solutions if you find yourself married to a woman with a negative disposition. First, if she wasn’t a negative person when you married her, then chances are something in your marriage has brought on this negativity. This is actually good news because it means that you have a chance to work on restoring and repairing the relationship. Her negativity should eventually decrease and you’ll once again have the woman you initially fell in love with.
However, if she has always had a negative disposition since you’ve known her, then you have to realize that no matter how great of a husband you become, if she doesn’t work on her own personal issues, her negative disposition will never go away. This doesn’t give you the green light to stop being responsible and trying to be a great husband. It means that your attempts to change her begin with praying that God would heal those aspects of her personality that only He can reach. It also means that you don’t have to carry the burden of her negativity any longer. She may choose to remain negative, but you will no longer allow her negative disposition to ruin your mood and emotions...